George Carlin died yesterday. Please see my previous Blog from May 26 to see how I feel about that. If you were never a Carlin fan please feel free to skip this. For those of you who did enjoy his comedy, I thought I’d share some of my favorite Carlinisms. They may not be word-for-word but you’ll understand
Who gave airline pilots the rank of Captain? The airline? The Captain requests that you put your seats in the upright position. Oh yeah, tell him Field Marshall Carlin says to go #!@$#@ himself.
The wrong two Beatles died.
The radar indicates a line of thunderstorms along the East Coast, but it also indicates a bunch of nuclear missiles coming at us, so I wouldn’t sweat the thunderstorms.
Nobody wants to save the world; they just want to save their little piece of it. Suppose the only reason the planet wanted us here in the first place was to provide Styrofoam and plastic bags? Some day the earth will shake us off like a bad case of the fleas.
Why does everyone carry around their own personal bottle of water now? When did everyone get so thirsty?
Maybe our loved ones aren’t all going to heaven. Maybe Grandma will end up baking pies in hell, with no oven.
If you’re not black, please turn your ball cap around.
When you get old, you can leave a place whenever you want. All you have to do is say, “I’m tired.” It’s great.
Hey, we’re bombing more brown people. Tell me when we were bombing some country that wasn’t brown? Yeah, there were the Nazis, but they were bombing brown people, and that’s our job.
Gone but not forgotten. RIP, George.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Hearing a True Story
This really happened. A while back, my wife got tired of me asking, “What?” to half the things that she said to me. She insisted that I go get my hearing checked. Being a dutiful husband, and curious myself, I made an appointment with the Ear Doctor. I underwent the tests he had me take and waited for the results.
The Dr. called me in to his office and told me that I had some high-end hearing loss. He further explained that what this meant was that I needed more treble in my music to enjoy it, which was true. It also meant that I had more trouble hearing women’s voices than men’s. After I finished laughing I explained to the man why I was there in the first place.
He said that I should ask my wife to always be looking at me when she talked. She shouldn’t talk with her back to me, from a distance, or if one of us was walking away. I was very grateful when he offered to write me a note explaining this to my wife, though I didn’t take him up on it.
I did ask him what had caused the deterioration of my hearing. Was it the many very loud concerts that I attended when I was younger? Was it the weapons I had used when I was in the Army back in the Seventies? Or was it simply a function of getting a bit older?
Yes to all three was his answer. When I asked if I should turn down the music in my car he thought that would be a good idea. I don’t know about that one. Music without volume is like salad without dressing.
So, I went home and told my wife and daughter what the Doctor had told me and you’d have thought that I had just said that Martians had landed in our front lawn. I should have gotten the note. Just another tale in getting older.
What?
The Dr. called me in to his office and told me that I had some high-end hearing loss. He further explained that what this meant was that I needed more treble in my music to enjoy it, which was true. It also meant that I had more trouble hearing women’s voices than men’s. After I finished laughing I explained to the man why I was there in the first place.
He said that I should ask my wife to always be looking at me when she talked. She shouldn’t talk with her back to me, from a distance, or if one of us was walking away. I was very grateful when he offered to write me a note explaining this to my wife, though I didn’t take him up on it.
I did ask him what had caused the deterioration of my hearing. Was it the many very loud concerts that I attended when I was younger? Was it the weapons I had used when I was in the Army back in the Seventies? Or was it simply a function of getting a bit older?
Yes to all three was his answer. When I asked if I should turn down the music in my car he thought that would be a good idea. I don’t know about that one. Music without volume is like salad without dressing.
So, I went home and told my wife and daughter what the Doctor had told me and you’d have thought that I had just said that Martians had landed in our front lawn. I should have gotten the note. Just another tale in getting older.
What?
Sunday, June 8, 2008
One Man’s History is Another Man’s, “So What?”
There were two historical events this past weekend, or should I say there could have been two. The horse Big Brown could have been the first Triple Crown Winner in thirty-one years but had some sort of problem and ended up last in the Belmont.
I remember the last Triple Crown won by Affirmed and told my daughter and my wife that we could have history in the making if Big Brown won the race. It could take another thirty, or fifty, years until there was another one. My news was met with a fairly resounding yawn by both of the ladies. Admittedly, I only watch the Belmont if a horse has one the first two races and Big Brown was such a prohibitive favorite that it seemed I would indeed see history.
There was no history and it turns out my wife and daughter didn’t miss a thing. I couldn’t argue with their, “So What?” on that one.
Then you have Hillary Clinton dropping out of the race and endorsing Barack Obama. See my Blog dated May 16 to see how I wanted it to end. My eighteen-year-old daughter is thrilled that Obama is the nominee. She is not thrilled because Obama is a Black man, or African-American if you prefer.
The reason she likes Obama is because of his message and his spirit. She never saw the old days in this country when Black people were fire-hosed in the streets of Selma and Civil Rights workers were murdered because they tried to help Black folks to vote. She wasn’t around for the murder of Martin Luther King or the riots that followed. I’m not sure if she’s ever heard of the Black Panthers.
She just likes Obama because of who he is and what he says. The fact that Hillary Clinton was the Woman Candidate never entered the picture for her. Woman, Black man, doesn’t matter. For her it’s, “Who do I believe?”
Whether Obama can be elected remains to be seen, but history has been made when my young daughter bases her choice on what she perceives as, “The content of his character and not the color of his skin.” I’m proud of her.
Vote, unless you don’t like any of ‘em.
I remember the last Triple Crown won by Affirmed and told my daughter and my wife that we could have history in the making if Big Brown won the race. It could take another thirty, or fifty, years until there was another one. My news was met with a fairly resounding yawn by both of the ladies. Admittedly, I only watch the Belmont if a horse has one the first two races and Big Brown was such a prohibitive favorite that it seemed I would indeed see history.
There was no history and it turns out my wife and daughter didn’t miss a thing. I couldn’t argue with their, “So What?” on that one.
Then you have Hillary Clinton dropping out of the race and endorsing Barack Obama. See my Blog dated May 16 to see how I wanted it to end. My eighteen-year-old daughter is thrilled that Obama is the nominee. She is not thrilled because Obama is a Black man, or African-American if you prefer.
The reason she likes Obama is because of his message and his spirit. She never saw the old days in this country when Black people were fire-hosed in the streets of Selma and Civil Rights workers were murdered because they tried to help Black folks to vote. She wasn’t around for the murder of Martin Luther King or the riots that followed. I’m not sure if she’s ever heard of the Black Panthers.
She just likes Obama because of who he is and what he says. The fact that Hillary Clinton was the Woman Candidate never entered the picture for her. Woman, Black man, doesn’t matter. For her it’s, “Who do I believe?”
Whether Obama can be elected remains to be seen, but history has been made when my young daughter bases her choice on what she perceives as, “The content of his character and not the color of his skin.” I’m proud of her.
Vote, unless you don’t like any of ‘em.
Monday, June 2, 2008
The War in Juarez
My friends and family around the country are now asking me if living in El Paso, Texas is dangerous. The reason they are asking is because of the drug war going on in Juarez, Mexico. For those of you who do not know, Juarez and El Paso come together at the narrow Rio Grande. I can see Juarez from my back yard and you can walk there from downtown El Paso.
There are two drug cartels fighting over the Juarez shipping route. So far this year there have been over four hundred murders there. Six people were murdered yesterday. Not all are drug related but it seems most are. I’m not sure how many Juarez cops have been killed; quite a few. The Mexican government sent in over two thousand Federal police to patrol the streets with automatic weapons. Somehow, none of the killers are ever caught.
I can understand the concern over violence so close to El Paso, but there really is no connection. If Minneapolis had four hundred murders, I’m sure those living in St. Paul would have reason to worry. However, Juarez is in a foreign country no matter how close geographically.
For all the hundreds of killings in Juarez, there have been three murders in El Paso this year. El Paso has been ranked the second safest city, for its size, in the United States the last two years. Yet I am asked by friends in other parts of the country if I have to dodge bullets on the way to work.
When I was younger, you could park your car at the downtown bridge and walk over to Avenida Juarez. You only had to be eighteen to drink there, not that anyone ever was carded. A steak dinner was a couple of bucks and as long as you didn’t stray off the main drag it was a great place to party. Now, parents are begging their kids to stay away from Juarez.
Since 9/11 and increased security on the border the wait time to drive back into El Paso from Juarez went from about thirty minutes to upwards of a couple of hours. Right now it just takes a few minutes because not many folks are going into Juarez and the drug war is destroying tourism. It’s not that Americans are being targeted at all but a stray bullet knows no nationality.
What is the solution? Some blame the Mexican government, others the drug cartels. I’ve also heard from Mexicans that a lot of the responsibility falls on Americans, the biggest users of all those illicit drugs. It’s all a matter of illegal entities staging a battle for those billions of illegal dollars.
Adios.
There are two drug cartels fighting over the Juarez shipping route. So far this year there have been over four hundred murders there. Six people were murdered yesterday. Not all are drug related but it seems most are. I’m not sure how many Juarez cops have been killed; quite a few. The Mexican government sent in over two thousand Federal police to patrol the streets with automatic weapons. Somehow, none of the killers are ever caught.
I can understand the concern over violence so close to El Paso, but there really is no connection. If Minneapolis had four hundred murders, I’m sure those living in St. Paul would have reason to worry. However, Juarez is in a foreign country no matter how close geographically.
For all the hundreds of killings in Juarez, there have been three murders in El Paso this year. El Paso has been ranked the second safest city, for its size, in the United States the last two years. Yet I am asked by friends in other parts of the country if I have to dodge bullets on the way to work.
When I was younger, you could park your car at the downtown bridge and walk over to Avenida Juarez. You only had to be eighteen to drink there, not that anyone ever was carded. A steak dinner was a couple of bucks and as long as you didn’t stray off the main drag it was a great place to party. Now, parents are begging their kids to stay away from Juarez.
Since 9/11 and increased security on the border the wait time to drive back into El Paso from Juarez went from about thirty minutes to upwards of a couple of hours. Right now it just takes a few minutes because not many folks are going into Juarez and the drug war is destroying tourism. It’s not that Americans are being targeted at all but a stray bullet knows no nationality.
What is the solution? Some blame the Mexican government, others the drug cartels. I’ve also heard from Mexicans that a lot of the responsibility falls on Americans, the biggest users of all those illicit drugs. It’s all a matter of illegal entities staging a battle for those billions of illegal dollars.
Adios.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
